Podcast #3: Understanding Dad's Grief
Podcast Notes for "Understanding Dad's Grief"
The article below accompanies the podcast and lists the suggestions given in the podcast. Listen to the podcast nowthen come back and follow up with the tips offered below.Subscribe and never miss an episode! 
After we lose our mom we go through a huge range of emotions which are all a part of grieving - sadness, depression, anger, rage, insecurity, selfishness, hopelessnes, helplessness, fear. It can pretty much run the gamut of almost every negative emotion you can think of! And when we are going through all that - we expect that our siblings and even our father are going through the same thing. But that is not necessarily true. I write about how grief is unique to each one of us, but at some level when we grieve we tend to expect that since our siblings and our dad all lost the same person, that we are all grieving the same. It's as if we are so wrapped in our own grief that we begin to feel as if everyone in our imediate family should be (or is) feeling the same way as we do. Unfortunately that is rarely (if ever) the case. Our grief may be similar to that of our siblings - and we'll talk about that in a future podcast - but for our dad - it's a totally different 'ballgame.'
Here is the key difference. I know this will sound very obvious but it's important to point out: we lost our mother - our caregiver. Dad lost his life partner. Just as the relationship between a mother and child is different from that between a mother and father - so too is the grief.
So what do you do about your Dad? Especially if you feel strongly about how he is (or isn't) responding to the loss of your mom? Well, here are a few tips. Knowing that we all have a slightly different relationship with our father, some of these may work better for you than others:
- Communicate, communicate, communicate! Obviously I cannot emphasize this enough! Growing up I always felt closer to mom than I did my dad. Maybe it was because mom was always there for us while dad was out on deployment (he was in the Navy for about the first 11 years of my life). I don't know exactly because I still have many fond memories of doing things with Dad when I was younger. In any event, after mom died it seemed that I talked to Dad a lot more. we talked about mom and about our feelings. We went to counseling as a family to help resolve "issues" when there seemed to be strife in the family. It was an experience that brought us closer together. When the time came that he wanted to remarry (which, by the way was less than a year after mom's passing) he talked to each of us six kids and gout our 'approval' prior to doing so. I know he did not have to do that, he is a grown man for goodness sake! but I think that doing that and being open about it, really helped keep us close. Also, the fact that we all supported him 100% probably made it easier for him knowing that he still loved my mom dearly. Yet he found someone who was a good match for him and together they were a great support system.
So talk to your dad. You never know what he is truly feeling until you ask or discuss it. It will have a two-way effect, in that not only will it help you to better understand his feelings but he will understand your side as well. Empathy can be a wonderful thing for stengthening the relationship with your dad.
- Get to know your dad. Yes, this is similar to the first tip. But while that related to talking more about the grief and understanding each other's loss, here I want you to get to know more about your dad the person. What is he like? What was it that attracted him to your mom and her to him? I know that my parents were very much in love and had a lot of ups and downs, but love endured. What i didn't really know until recently is exactly how they met and what attracted them to each other. I have had conversations with my dad and learned more about him and his life growing up. It's amazing how much I didn't know about my dad! I am guessing there are still many things I don't know, but with each new story he shares with me, I learn more and come to appreciate him even more!
- It could be that you are not close enough with your dad to be able to talk to him or maybe you just don't feel like you can do that right now. If that is the case (and even if it's not you can try this), get out your journal and get ready to write. start by dividing a page into two sides: draw a line vertically down the center. On the left side write down all the things that you feel are 'wrong' about how your dad is grieving or acting since your mom's death. Then, on the right side, write down what it is that bothers you about each item. Why is his reaction/action/emotion "wrong" to you? Once you've identified all the things you can think of for now, look back over the list. Are there items on the list that you can be accepting of? In other words, that you can say to yourself (or to your dad) "okay, I know that we are reacting completely different here but I can appreciate that it is different. I accept that we are different and I can allow my dad to do this in his own way." put a check mark next to those items. What should be left are the items that you are having the most difficulty with understanding. circle these items. For each item you have circled write about how you feel when you see your dad doing/acting this way. How do you wish he would act instead? Now write how you can change YOUR reaction to him when he acts this way (or does this thing) so that you can begin to be more accepting of his actions. Just working through this exercise can be healing and allow you to be more accepting of the differences between you and your dad. One last thing you may want to do once you've gone through the writing exercise, is to now talk to your dad about it. This may require more emotional courage than you have right now, but perhaps at some point you can use it to open a dialogue with your dad. Not to be accusing or point out everything you feel is wrong with his reactions/emotions but to share with each other. Perhaps he can share with you the things that he would list and why he is having difficult time accepting from his side of things. You'll be amazed at how healing it can be when we just talk things over. It's not about pointing out weaknesses or flaws but more about understanding each other.